Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
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Bill is short for Billiam
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water