GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
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[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.