I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
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I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.