I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
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People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: Thereâs also a switch on it so no one will know which way itâs supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Anyone want a chair?
Donât worry if she spells out âIâm fine!â in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Labreador
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
is this a warning or an offer?
Weâre all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. đ
The way Iâm terrified to one day raise a teenager youâd think they have rabies
At a kidsâ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I donât know how to talk to the parents
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
I wish I could be like my cable companyâs customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
âCan you get my water, Mom?â
â My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
reminder that one halloween i got an âunknown activityâ alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: á”ᶠá¶á”Êłá”Ëąá” Êžá”á” á”Êłá”