not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
You Might Also Like
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Ha
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
May have had one breakfast too many
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.