spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
You Might Also Like
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.