Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
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My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”