*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
You Might Also Like
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo