I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
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*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”