Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
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ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Me gasping and flipping off the vultures as they circle above the running track
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.