MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
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Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.