My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
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I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*