WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
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Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.