the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
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Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.