i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
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It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.