Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
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Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
when mom throws a party…
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.