I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
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Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
How to woo a woman
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
cry laughing at this shit
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—