I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
You Might Also Like
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
😂😂😂
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
A woman drives into a bar.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.