Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
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[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
finally found a reasonable question
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
me when I see my crush