Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
You Might Also Like
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?