Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
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when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
I wish this was real life…
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down