Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
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i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
How to make infinite energy.