[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
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(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!