When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
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thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.