Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
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I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?