An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
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[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.