Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
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‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated