Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
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[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite