Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
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fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.