Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
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Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Wikigenius
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.