Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
You Might Also Like
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
I have no passwords left in me
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.