I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
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Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city