I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
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Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.