Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
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When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe