@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
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🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Natural selection at its finest
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.