FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
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Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Can’t. Being lazy.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.