My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
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*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
The three genders.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”