I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
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A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
wtf management?!
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”