me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
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Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
waiting for halloween be like:
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK