I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
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[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?