I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
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How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.