That’s what I call a flat tire
You Might Also Like
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.