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If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
Had an epiphany today.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.