Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
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me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Peace was never an option
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.