Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
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Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Barbie gone wild
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago