I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
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Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.