A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
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Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.