“I’m helping” 😅
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priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
beware of dog
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet