My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
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Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs