Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
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Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.